baring it all + beginning anew

i guess you could call it textbook. the cycle i find myself in that i repeat seamlessly without even trying. i remember the day so clearly. november 13th 2020. my favourite video game came out, boy what a treat. if i had to guess i would have treated myself to toaster waffles or croissants as breakfast for the launch day. the day began with joy, i was so happy. then i remember it changed for good. nothing was ever the same again. the feeling of panic, shame. fear and loathing. why did i feel so awful? i remember feeling terrified i would feel like this forever. waking up every day i'd feel a moment of reprieve, about five seconds to be exact. then the world would come crashing down. i pretended everything was fine with my friends, my family, my work colleagues. i constantly had a fake smile on. it was exhausting. i tried explaining how i was feeling to my manager and it did not go as well as planned. promise of support was given but nothing ever happened. i carried the burden alone.…