Brutal NYC Kindergarten Admissions Cycle Yields Unprecedented Talent Pool for Clown College

Following a historically brutal admissions cycle for New York City kindergartens, thousands of highly qualified four year olds have been left off the traditional path to the Ivy League. However, this overflow of exceptional toddlers has resulted in an unprecedented windfall for Clown College, which has all but locked down its Class of 2043 based solely on the new demographic shift.“Normally, our future prospects are just kids who naturally enjoy honking a horn or falling down,” said Clown College Dean of Admissions Chuck L. Head. “But this year, we are looking at a future applicant pool of toddlers with three years of Mandarin, Suzuki cello training, and a rudimentary understanding of Python. The level of academic discipline they will eventually bring to the seltzer bottle routine is completely unmatched.”Parents who spent thousands on test prep and play date consultants for Trinity and Dalton are now pragmatically pivoting their expectations. With Harvard, and even Cornell, seemingly…