here's to friends (old and new)

for the longest time, i'd convinced myself that i didn't "need" friends. not necessarily in the misanthrope sense, i guess, but more like, i didn't want to place too much importance in other people. whatever that means. i had friends, and i love and care about them very much, but i just never had the feeling like they were my "best" friends. i don't really know how to explain this, except that, i had convinced myself that it was probably okay not to "rank" my friends like that, and that all my friends, no matter the context, were my friends, and no one had to be my "best" or "closest" friend. years later, i realize how this has fucked up things for me, socially. i've technically always been on good terms with the people around me, but i just never put in the extra effort or went the extra mile to try and be their "best" or "closest" friend, i guess. for a while, specifically during the pandemic, i had simply accepted this fuck up. i figured i might live the rest of my life just never…