OpenAI Acquires Allbirds, Will Transition Back Into a Shoe Company

Following their recent purchase of TBPN for literally no reason, OpenAI announced a billion dollar acquisition of New Bird AI, formerly known as the wool sneaker brand Allbirds, earlier this morning. The move was initially hailed as a massive consolidation of tech talent, right up until OpenAI engineers actually looked at the code.“We were drawn to their aggressive pivot into the generative AI space,” said OpenAI CEO Sam Altman. “But after the ink dried, we audited their tech stack and realized they have absolutely zero compute. They do not have any data center relationships. They honestly aren’t even good at AI. Their primary algorithm was just a sizing chart for high arches.”Despite the complete lack of technological assets, Altman remains optimistic about the merger and sees a clear path forward for the brand.“I have always really liked their slip-ons,” Altman noted in a company-wide memo. “We needed someone to make our official merch anyway. It was a massive capital expenditure,…