Classification: Wellness Grifter / True Believer (unclear boundary) Habitat: Amazon listings, alternative health forums, Gerson therapy retreats Diet: Desperation, disposable income, and organic single-origin medium-roast Threat Level: Mostly to themselves and their plumbing I drink my coffee. Like a fool. Every morning, I let it travel the long, inefficient path from mouth to stomach, losing potency with every inch of digestive tract. I had no idea there was a shortcut. An express lane. A back door to wellness. Amazon, as it turns out, is ready to supply the key. And the coffee. And the stainless steel bucket. I discovered this entirely by accident. I was looking for coffee. Just… coffee. The kind you drink. The algorithm, in its infinite and slightly unsettling wisdom, suggested I might also be interested in something called "Organic Enema Coffee." Medium grind. Fair Trade. Specifically calibrated, the listing assured me, to avoid clogging my equipment. My what? I clicked. I should…
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