How to be the problem in your family

detail of Lips Open into Certain Gendered Sounds (2016) by Ragnhildur Johanns List of things my family hates about me: I lie. I misconstrue conversations. I don’t remember what I say. I exaggerate. I’m manipulative. They have all told me this. I’m reckless with people’s care. I make everything about me. I’m irresponsible with money. I’m irresponsible with affection. I’m unreliable with plans. I manipulate my kids. I’m verbally abusive with my brothers. I’m emotionally abusive with my brothers. I ask more from my dad than I give. I pick fights with my mom. I carry it in a backpack I’m afraid to put down. If I put it down, everything will spill out and I’ll have nothing to carry. No identity that’s mine—only whatever is left when the accusations are gone. So I keep it on. I wrap myself in the list as protection. If I say all of it first, nothing worse can be said to me. My brother told me today that I twist his words. That I’m a master manipulator through language. That he can’t say…